clgdoublelifts said: hey molly i'm having a slow day and i was wondering if you were in the mood to tell another story because literally i have not laughed as hard at anybody else's anecdotes on this entire goddamn site and it would be pretty rad

ofgeography:

when i lived in spain, i worked as a “bartender” in madrid. i put “bartender” in quotation marks because my boss fernando trusted me with literally nothing but cleaning glasses and occasionally a CLOSELY SUPERVISED mojito. the bar was called “la chocita sueca,” which basically means “the swedish hut,” but can also, as far as i can tell, mean something VERY DIFFERENT and vERY RUDE.

  • this led to a lot of general confusion from the patrons, who were always wondering whether i (the only super, super white person) was The Swede. 
  • "THIS BAR IS NOT NAMED AFTER ME," i would shout, trying to be heard above the music and the huge portrait of elvis that hung behind the bar. "I AM LITERALLY JUST HERE TO WASH DISHES AND MAKE TERRIBLE MOJITOS."
  • "OK BUT ARE YOU SWEDISH?" they would ask me. "LIKE ARE YOU SWEDISH, THOUGH?"
  • "nO."
  • "ARE YOU SURE?"
  • "VERY SURE."
  • "YOU LOOK SWEDISH."
  • "I UNDERSTAND, BUT I AM NOT SWEDISH."
  • "NOT EVEN A LITTLE SWEDISH?"
  • "NOT EVEN A LITTLE SWEDISH. AS I HAVE SAID."
  • BUT YOUR EYES ARE VERY BLUE?”
  • "I AM NOT FUCKING SWEDISH!!!!!!!!" 
  • at which point fernando would sweep in and say soothingly, “shhh, it’s okay. why don’t you go wipe down the vomit on the bar??”
  • rinse. rather. repeat.

anyway, on weeknights when the bar wasn’t busy, fernando always let me come in and talk to him and learn how to make drinks. as someone who hates hard liquor, i was very bad at it. my entire repertoire is a mimosa and a tequila sunrise. in my defense, fernando was aware of this going in. the entire hiring process went:

ME: can i work here?
FERNANDO: do you know how to make alcoholic beverages in exchange for money?
ME: no.
FERNANDO: come on wednesday.

so one day, my roommate bryan takes me out for a delicious fancy dinner, along with his little brother and his little brothers three friends, who were all visiting and sleeping on our floor. on the walk home i noticed that we were going to pass by la chocita (which was about a 5 minute walk from my house). so i separated from bryan and the boys to drop in and say hello to my old friend fernando. 

it’s a tuesday at 9:30p.m. so the bar was naturally empty, and fernando was just chillin’ with the elvis picture and the human-sized statue of liberty replica. 

"maya!!" he said. he called me maya, as did most of my friends in madrid, because it was easier and because i hate the way "molly" sounds when it is breaking up a spanish sentence. "molly" in any language that isn’t english literally sounds like a fart on a first date.

  • "molly" when said in an english sentence: what a cute, rosy-cheeked young lady, probably looking to cuddle a dog and have a good laugh!!
  • "molly" when said in literally any other language: WHAT IS THIS GROSS PIECE OF WOOD IN MY MOUTH?? IT TASTES OF TODDLERS AND THE ASHES OF YOUTHFUL DREAMS.

so in i pop, and there is fernando, who immediately sets to telling me all about his son and how handsome he is and how he’s about my age and fernando’s not saying anything but he’s JUST SAYING—

"here, have some of this," fernando said, and handed me a glass of kalimotxo.

  • WHAT IS KALIMOTXO, you ask? PRETTY EASY:
  • 1. get some cheap-ass wine, like hella cheap, like the CHEAPEST WINE YOU CAN FIND, PROBABLY IN A BOX, PROBABLY CALLED “CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP WINE FOR POOR COLLEGE STUDENTS.”
  • 2. get some diet coke.
  • 3. get some ice
  • 4. combine.
  • 5. “WHAT IS HAPPENING????” - your body, horrified and delighted.

"idk, fernando," i said. "it’s a tuesday? i have class tomorrow?"

"WHO EVER GOT DRUNK ON A LITTLE KALIMOXTO," fernando said.

i took the drink.

  • "WHAT IS HAPPENING????" - my body, horrified and delighted.

"try this, too," fernando told me after a moment, pushing a bright green glass in my direction. "it’s new. i’m trying it out."

"idk, fernando," i said. "it’s a tuesday? i have class tomorrow?"

"WHO EVER GOT DRUNK ON A LITTLE BRIGHT GREEN BOOZE?" fernando said.

i took the drink.

  • "THIS IS DANCING A SAMBA IN MY MOUTH!!" - my actual words to my actual boss.

"wait wait, try this one," fernando added, now pushing a tiny shot glass toward me with gold-colored liquid and sugar at the bottom.

"idk, fernando," i said. "it’s a tuesday? my lips are tingly?"

"WHO EVER GOT TINGLY LIPS FROM A LITTLE GOLD-COLORED LIQUID WITH SUGAR AT THE BOTTOM?" fernando said.

i took the drink.

  • "it tastes like i already regret it!!!" - me, giving the statue of liberty replica a kiss.

"I FUCKING LOVE YOUR BAR NUTS," i said. "THEY’RE THE BEST BAR NUTS I HAVE EVER HAD. CAN I HAVE A POUND OF THEM?"

"okay," fernando said, and handed me a bag of bar nuts as big as my torso. it was very heavy. it was a tuesday at about 11p.m. and i opened the bag, dipped my hand in, and shoved a whole handful into my mouth.

  • IN MY DEFENSE: these were the best bar nuts in the world.
  • i stand by that.

"you should go home," fernando told me, looking suddenly doubtful. "you have class on wednesday."

"WHO EVER HEARD OF CLASS ON A WEDNESDAY?" i said. "GIVE ME SOME MORE OF THE TINGLY LIPS STUFF." it was probably hard to hear me around the bar nuts.

fernando, now very alarmed, called me a taxi. i should remind you that my apartment was a five minute walk from the bar, but with my hands full of a full 3-lb bag of bar nuts that i refused to give back and a my fist closed tightly around the neck of a bottle of tinto de verano, there was really no way i was going to make it that far.

"where to?" the taxista asked. i gave him my address. he blinked at me. "that’s… right there," he said, and pointed.

"yes," i agreed, taking another mouthful of bar nuts.

"we can see it," the taxista said.

"yes," i agreed again. "would you like some bar nuts?"

"….no," the taxista said, and pulled forward toward my apartment, glancing nervously back at the chipmonked motherfucker doublefisting bar nuts and dessert wine in the back of his cab on a tuesday.

"DID YOU KNOW," i said, "I AM NOT AT ALL SWEDISH?"

"okay," the taxista said. "we’re here."

i don’t remember what happened after that, but in the morning i woke up to the following three surprises:

  1. the tinto de verano was nowhere to be found. nowhere. did i give it to the taxista???? did i leave it on the stairs???? HAD THERE EVER BEEN A BOTTLE AT ALL???? WHO PUT SEVEN LEMONS IN MY FRIDGE?
  2. i was wearing socks on my hands.
  3. i woke up to bryan’s brother and his three friends asking loudly, “why the hell are there nuts everywhere?”

"NO REASON," i said.

problematicman said: could you explain white holes? (the opposite of black holes) thanks!

nanodash:

icryyoumercy:

nimblermortal:

icryyoumercy:

nimblermortal:

nanodash:

White holes are concentrated insanity.

A black hole is an incredibly dense region of space that has something called an event horizon surrounding it. If an object or even light passes the event horizon, it will never be able to escape, that’s why we can’t see black holes, any light that gets too close to them is sucked in. we can only see the effect they have. But the art is pretty.

image

A white hole has the opposite property, nothing can pass the event horizon, anything that crosses the event horizon outwards into space can never return. So we’d probably see them as things blasting out light.

Until recently, we didn’t really think they could form in our universe. They only appeared at the other end of a wormhole that had a black hole on one end and a white hole on the other. But these would be highly unstable.

But earlier this year a group came up with a theory that black holes explode into white holes. They say that a black hole can’t be infinitely dense because that would crush the fundamental structure of the universe, so when it collapsed down, it would rebound back and start spewing stuff out as a white hole. They say this would happen really quickly and that black holes are really short lived, but because of time dilation slowing everything down, they appear to last a really long time. This is just an idea at the moment though, we’ll need to wait for evidence to confirm it.

Why would a black hole be infinitely dense? If a black hole is just a collapsing star, it cannot gain mass by collapsing. So if a star collapses into a black hole, shouldn’t anything that was orbiting it previously just continue to orbit it without changing? And it would function basically just as a dark star? Or does a black hole somehow gain some sort of extra sucking force when it is born?

This has been bothering me for some time, if anyone has an answer I’d appreciate it.

Wait, wait, I know this one! I think!

So, uhm. There’s this thing. Where. Uh. Basically, the denser something is the more it bends spacetime? So, uh, it’s all very relativity-ish, but. Basically, uh. Spacetime is like a very soft mattress, okay. And if you drop things (like stars or planets) onto it, it forms bowls around them, and everything that passes those is sort of forced off its path because those dents in spacetime.

Okay, and the heavier something is, the deeper the dent it makes, and the more deviations of moving things’ paths occur around it, right.

Now, there’s a thing. It’s called Schwarzschild radius. Basically, all of the things have one. And if you take a thing, and you compress it so hard that it becomes smaller than its own Schwarzschild radius, it’s so incredibly heavy that when you drop it onto our mattress of spacetime, it makes a dent so deep that nothing will ever be able to get out again.

So, for most normal dents in our spacetime mattress, minor deviations occur, but the  passer-bys continue on their merry way, floating past the dent fairly unimpressed.

But that dent from the thing below its own Schwarzschild radius? If anything comes too close, it just drops into depths of it, and never, ever come out again, because. Uh. Some physics thing. Gravity, probably. Mechanics, anyways.

So. You get a black hole by making a thing smaller than its own Schwarzschild radius, and thereby making it so that it makes a dent in spacetime that nothing can ever escape from, not even light. Now, anything that gets too close just gets sucked in, adding to the core of that black hole. Problem is, a thing that went below its own Schwarzschild radius cannot grow back, because then it would escape the dent in spacetime that it can by definition not escape. So a black hole (or really, the ‘core’ of that black hole) keeps trapping mass, but not acquiring any volume (because that is limited), so the density must, by definition, be moving towards infinite.

Right, but just by shrinking below its own Schwartzchild radius it can’t have become any more massive, so immediately after its collapse it can’t have any added effect on anything nearby. If it’s smaller but denser, it should have the same net effect on the fabric of spacetime, yeah? ‘Cause its mass hasn’t changed, just its volume and density. You can’t change its mass without violating a fundamental law. So any planets that were orbiting the star continue to orbit the black hole.

Now over time something might fall in that would ordinarily have pfutzed (not a word) right back out again, and in this case it wouldn’t be able to escape, so perhaps there is very gradual change over time I can believe in. But that doesn’t make the ~whorling death mechanism~ I’m generally given to understand black holes as any more believable. (And the incoming light is not going to give it that mass; photons are essentially massless… ehhhhhh *wobbles hand* essentially.)

Well, it involves a kind of mechanics, and no numbers, so. Fun times.

Anyways, yeah, things that haven’t been affected before wouldn’t magically become affected. Just stuff like, dunno, meteors (commets?) and stuff like that. The planets probably wouldn’t be impressed much, because the actual gravity doesn’t change, just the escapability of the … gravitational well (is that’s what it called?).

So, nah. It’s not a swirling vortex of death. It’s just a very deep whole, and if you fall down, there’s no getting out ever again, that’s all. (Don’t go spelunking in black holes! You’ll get lost!)

Oh, wait, there is a thing! It’s a pressure thing! Basically, the more volume a mass has, the flatter the dent, because the area is bigger, right, and if you shrink it down the area of the dent gets smaller, and therefore the whole dent goes lower! (No, seriously, that’s the greatest thing about these things. It’s basically weird mechanics!)

You two…I like you two. icryyoumercy Is pretty much on point here. The spongy mattress analogy is a great one. Stars and planets are like heavy balls on the spacetime mattress, denting it. 

But a black hole has a thing at the centre called a singularity, where all the laws of physics break down, 2+2 = purple, hamburgers eat people, and so on. 

A singularity is a point where spacetime has infinite curvature, so it has to infinitely dent that mattress, so effectively there’s an infinite mass, so there’s an infinite density.

turtletotem:

I have long said that in order for any comedy to truly succeed as a story, there has to be meat beneath the jokes. There has to be that moment when it is not funny any more.

This. This is that moment.

(via petermorwood)

One thing doing research in Germany has done for me is made me the go-to person for editing college applications for non-native English speakers.

This is an unanticipated consequence, but if I’m not busy and could potentially get ayran out of it, I am not going to complain.

problematicman said: could you explain white holes? (the opposite of black holes) thanks!

icryyoumercy:

nimblermortal:

nanodash:

White holes are concentrated insanity.

A black hole is an incredibly dense region of space that has something called an event horizon surrounding it. If an object or even light passes the event horizon, it will never be able to escape, that’s why we can’t see black holes, any light that gets too close to them is sucked in. we can only see the effect they have. But the art is pretty.

image

A white hole has the opposite property, nothing can pass the event horizon, anything that crosses the event horizon outwards into space can never return. So we’d probably see them as things blasting out light.

Until recently, we didn’t really think they could form in our universe. They only appeared at the other end of a wormhole that had a black hole on one end and a white hole on the other. But these would be highly unstable.

But earlier this year a group came up with a theory that black holes explode into white holes. They say that a black hole can’t be infinitely dense because that would crush the fundamental structure of the universe, so when it collapsed down, it would rebound back and start spewing stuff out as a white hole. They say this would happen really quickly and that black holes are really short lived, but because of time dilation slowing everything down, they appear to last a really long time. This is just an idea at the moment though, we’ll need to wait for evidence to confirm it.

Why would a black hole be infinitely dense? If a black hole is just a collapsing star, it cannot gain mass by collapsing. So if a star collapses into a black hole, shouldn’t anything that was orbiting it previously just continue to orbit it without changing? And it would function basically just as a dark star? Or does a black hole somehow gain some sort of extra sucking force when it is born?

This has been bothering me for some time, if anyone has an answer I’d appreciate it.

Wait, wait, I know this one! I think!

So, uhm. There’s this thing. Where. Uh. Basically, the denser something is the more it bends spacetime? So, uh, it’s all very relativity-ish, but. Basically, uh. Spacetime is like a very soft mattress, okay. And if you drop things (like stars or planets) onto it, it forms bowls around them, and everything that passes those is sort of forced off its path because those dents in spacetime.

Okay, and the heavier something is, the deeper the dent it makes, and the more deviations of moving things’ paths occur around it, right.

Now, there’s a thing. It’s called Schwarzschild radius. Basically, all of the things have one. And if you take a thing, and you compress it so hard that it becomes smaller than its own Schwarzschild radius, it’s so incredibly heavy that when you drop it onto our mattress of spacetime, it makes a dent so deep that nothing will ever be able to get out again.

So, for most normal dents in our spacetime mattress, minor deviations occur, but the  passer-bys continue on their merry way, floating past the dent fairly unimpressed.

But that dent from the thing below its own Schwarzschild radius? If anything comes too close, it just drops into depths of it, and never, ever come out again, because. Uh. Some physics thing. Gravity, probably. Mechanics, anyways.

So. You get a black hole by making a thing smaller than its own Schwarzschild radius, and thereby making it so that it makes a dent in spacetime that nothing can ever escape from, not even light. Now, anything that gets too close just gets sucked in, adding to the core of that black hole. Problem is, a thing that went below its own Schwarzschild radius cannot grow back, because then it would escape the dent in spacetime that it can by definition not escape. So a black hole (or really, the ‘core’ of that black hole) keeps trapping mass, but not acquiring any volume (because that is limited), so the density must, by definition, be moving towards infinite.

Right, but just by shrinking below its own Schwartzchild radius it can’t have become any more massive, so immediately after its collapse it can’t have any added effect on anything nearby. If it’s smaller but denser, it should have the same net effect on the fabric of spacetime, yeah? ‘Cause its mass hasn’t changed, just its volume and density. You can’t change its mass without violating a fundamental law. So any planets that were orbiting the star continue to orbit the black hole.

Now over time something might fall in that would ordinarily have pfutzed (not a word) right back out again, and in this case it wouldn’t be able to escape, so perhaps there is very gradual change over time I can believe in. But that doesn’t make the ~whorling death mechanism~ I’m generally given to understand black holes as any more believable. (And the incoming light is not going to give it that mass; photons are essentially massless… ehhhhhh *wobbles hand* essentially.)

  • L: That's what conservatives fear: that gay people will steal our children.
  • C: What? Are gay people fairies?
  • C: Wait a minute

geekhyena:

What if most changelings in the October Daye universe are the result of fae forgetting to wrap it before they tap it?

I mean, the fertility rate between fae is so low, it could be that most fae forget birth control is a thing, underestimate their chance of creating a kid, and oops! Oh, hey, another changeling…..

And now I have the mental image of Jin teaching sex ed to the residents of Shadowed Hills….

Oh come now, what about the rest of our conversation?

Read More

icryyoumercy:

runecestershire:

nimblermortal:

Hey book friends, I have a tricky recommendation request for you: horse books for a two-year-old.

Horse books for a two-year-old who doesn’t speak English.

I have absolutely zero recommendations but I probably have followers who do

… Uh. Two year olds? Do they speak German? I might have a list.

YES!

But it’s quite possible she’ll already have All the Horse Books in German. Her mum is also rather a fan of horses - not with the brilliant passion of a two-year-old - and was saying that though she looks, she doesn’t find a lot of them. So I don’t know what she may or may not have.

If she were just, say, seven or eight, we could ship her our Large Collection and add to it, but two is trickier.

problematicman said: could you explain white holes? (the opposite of black holes) thanks!

nanodash:

White holes are concentrated insanity.

A black hole is an incredibly dense region of space that has something called an event horizon surrounding it. If an object or even light passes the event horizon, it will never be able to escape, that’s why we can’t see black holes, any light that gets too close to them is sucked in. we can only see the effect they have. But the art is pretty.

image

A white hole has the opposite property, nothing can pass the event horizon, anything that crosses the event horizon outwards into space can never return. So we’d probably see them as things blasting out light.

Until recently, we didn’t really think they could form in our universe. They only appeared at the other end of a wormhole that had a black hole on one end and a white hole on the other. But these would be highly unstable.

But earlier this year a group came up with a theory that black holes explode into white holes. They say that a black hole can’t be infinitely dense because that would crush the fundamental structure of the universe, so when it collapsed down, it would rebound back and start spewing stuff out as a white hole. They say this would happen really quickly and that black holes are really short lived, but because of time dilation slowing everything down, they appear to last a really long time. This is just an idea at the moment though, we’ll need to wait for evidence to confirm it.

Why would a black hole be infinitely dense? If a black hole is just a collapsing star, it cannot gain mass by collapsing. So if a star collapses into a black hole, shouldn’t anything that was orbiting it previously just continue to orbit it without changing? And it would function basically just as a dark star? Or does a black hole somehow gain some sort of extra sucking force when it is born?

This has been bothering me for some time, if anyone has an answer I’d appreciate it.

hello-delicious-tea:

Gog has decided that it is cuddle time. Now.
The computer is so far away…

hello-delicious-tea:

Gog has decided that it is cuddle time. Now.

The computer is so far away…